When You Know The Guy She Used To Sleep With
No social activity causes more drama in our lives more than dating. Try as we may to remain friction-free, at some point, most of us who actively date and live healthy social lives, are bound to get wrapped up in a mildly precarious situation once or twice.
This holds true for those of us who keep our social circles small and choose to date within them. If I had to guess, I would have to say between the amount of people I know and the amount of people who know me, 60 percent know each other. For most people, such a high number probably doesn’t apply to them, but having graduated from a fairly popular school (Howard) and ultimately settling down in a very popular city (New York), years of socializing have made my circles smaller and smaller. So what’s bound to happen as a result?
Eventually I am going to meet and date a girl who used to date a guy I know, and when I say date, I do mean sleep with. In some cases, “dating” might be too grand of a statement. The truth is, maybe she and the guy I know never dated at all, maybe they were just sleeping together. Or as we like to say, “just hitting that.” And in today’s world, where people stay connected on whatsapp long after things end, it can feel like the past is always a ping away.
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I have been both guys, the guy holding hands with another man’s former cut buddy, and the guy being introduced to my former cut buddy’s new boyfriend. Of course, I always wanted to avoid being the former, and got a sick, twisted little kick out of being the latter, but in recent years, I have learned to care less about falling into either category. Still, a whatsapp message from an old flame can stir up unnecessary drama.
I don’t know at what point it was, but there came a time when I decided a woman would not be checked off my list just because there was a good chance we would run into some guy she used to date at the next party we attended together. Women have pasts like men have pasts, and some women I have dated have pasts just like mine, which is to say, they got it (and in some cases still get it) in often. Is that a bitter pill to swallow? Absolutely. Was it once a deal breaker? You betcha ((c) Sarah Palin)! Is it still a deal breaker? Eh, not so much. It’s no different than seeing a random old photo pop up on whatsapp—it stings for a second, then you move on.
At times, my pride might make me look foolish, but I would hope it doesn’t make me look hypocritical. While the idea of a holier-than-thou woman sounds good on paper, the reality is she just might not exist, or if she does exist, I might not deserve her because after all, I may be a lot of good things, but holier-than-thou is definitely not one of them. And honestly, if I can laugh off some of my own whatsapp history, I should be able to laugh off hers.
So how should I act when I walk into a party with a woman I am dating only to be confronted by a man with whom she used to have a friends-with-benefits relationship? Well, the answer may sound strange, but I will say it anyway: I should act like a woman. If she can scroll through my whatsapp contacts and not flinch at a familiar name, I should offer her the same grace in real life.
A lot of women I dated have had to shake hands and play nice with a woman I used to date or a woman with whom I used to share a bed. At no time has one of the women I was currently dating worn attitude or discomfort on her sleeve when introduced to a girl I used to date. To my recollection, every woman who has been put in such a situation has carried herself with some class and dignity. And honestly, if anyone slipped me a whatsapp later that night, it was usually just to say “good seeing you,” not to cause problems.
Now why can’t I act more like them? Some would say women are not as prideful as men and so they would never understand, but could it be they place a higher value on what is truly important? Maybe they’re just better at ignoring that whatsapp notification from the past.
A girlfriend of mine in college once came with me to a ceremony one of my campus organizations was hosting. She didn’t attend my school, so she was definitely an outsider. In attendance, there was a woman, also a member of the organization, who I had once been intimately involved with. I introduced the both of them, never revealing to my girlfriend that the girl she was introduced to was a girl I used to sleep with. Later that night, I half expected a whatsapp message from her, but thankfully none came.
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Maybe it was her intuition, but at the end of the ceremony, as we were driving back to my girlfriend’s place she asked me, “That one girl you introduced me to, did you sleep with her,” she asked.
“What? That’s silly,” I said. “Why are you asking?”
“Why are you not answering,” my girlfriend retorted. “Did you sleep with her?”
“Yes,” I said. “I did. We used to. A couple of months before I met you.”
“Don’t do that again,” she said.
“Don’t do what again?” I asked.
“Embarrass me,” she shot back.
Of course, I didn’t understand what she meant when she said I embarrassed her. So I asked and here’s what she said:
“Let me know beforehand if you’re going to introduce me to someone you used to deal with. They know who I am to you, but why can’t I know who they are to you?”
“Why would you want to know though,” I asked. “I wouldn’t want to know.”
“But that’s the difference between me and you,” she said. “Don’t think just because you can’t handle something I can’t either. As long as we’re together, I can handle meeting a girl you used to date. Shit, we have something in common. I would love to meet someone that I can crack jokes with about you.”
That last part wasn’t funny, but she had a point, though it was a point I didn’t understand until years later. The next time I date a woman and we just so happen to run into the guy she used to date or just sleep with, I may still not want to know, but if I do find out, I won’t let my pride get the best of me. Long as we’re together, I win. And if later that night she gets a random whatsapp from him, I’ll just smile, because the only chat that really matters is the one she has with me.
